Sucky Mom

I feel just awful (which doesn't really even truly describe how badly I feel).   In the past two days, I've gone off on Khai unnecessarily.  Yesterday, I just lost my patience. He was only being an active three year old boy. I can't fault him for that. Instead I let my nerves get the best of me. I can easily say it was because he didn't listen. I told him not to grab the cup of water in my hands (which were also holding two bowls of food) because everything would have fallen to the ground by the way I was holding it all - he collapsed to the floor in a slump of tears and tantrum at my "no" and it just set me off. I should have handled it better - instead I yelled and then I didn't stop. I kept yelling, threw a fit of my own and stormed out.   Today was worse. I got angry at him and i'm not even going to go into why because I am just so embarrassed at how mean I was.  I could hear myself yelling at him and thought good grief!!! and yet I didn't stop. I was yelling and he was bawling and staring at me and when I did stop I felt like total and utter shit. I never am like this.. and here in two days, I lost it.  I apologized profusely to him. I cried, I hugged him tight and he looked at me and wiped my tears and said "its ok Mommy, I love you."   Ugggg...heartbreak!!!!  Tonight when I tucked him in bed, I apologized again, told him just how much I love him and how much he means to me and how very lucky I am to have him. He said "I'm very lucky too". I said "why?" He said "because, I am your Khai Khai".     Oh sob.  I suck.  Bravo mom... Me = Loser.